How I Got Arrested

This section was supposed to be about finally arriving at Tent City but after the hellish night spent in the holding cell for 22 hours, the actual arrival to Tent City is somewhat anticlimactic and I’ll probably cover it as a foot note in a future blog.  Besides, it’s my blog so I’ll write whatever the hell I want.  So I’m going to go talk about how some of my new friends from Tent 49 got their DUIs and then I will tell you how I got mine.

From the first moment that people get out of their cars and wait in the self surrender area at Lower Buckey Jail, they start comparing notes on how each of them got here.  As expected, almost everyone is in for DUI.  What I didn’t expect was the wide variety of ways to get a DUI.  To really explain some of the stories you have to know some basics of the DUI laws and penalties.

There are several different degrees of DUI in Arizona:

Impaired to the slightest Degree – This means that even if you only had one drink and your blood alcohol content (BAC) is .03 you can still get a DUI if they determine that your driving infraction was due to alcohol.  Well guess what?  If you get pulled over after having just one drink they will always determine that is was due to alcohol because the state gets a couple thousand bucks for a DUI as opposed to 125 dollars for a speeding ticket.  If you are just a crappy driver and take a shot of Binaca to freshen your breath you can probably get this kind of a DUI in Arizona. 

DUI with blood alcohol level in excess of .08– This is driving while intoxicated.  Somehow, .08 has been determined to be the level at which one is intoxicated.  At .08, someone like me can juggle chainsaws and live cats while riding  a unicycle but some people just can’t hold their liquor so .08 is the number they’ve arrived at. Seriously, that's only about 3 beers.  Intoxicated?

DUI with blood alcohol level of .15 BAC or greater – This is an extreme DUI which is the category of my DUI.  The fines just about double and the minimum jail time jumps from 1 day to 30 days.   At .15 BAC some people are puking drunk.  I don’t drink anymore since this whole thing happened, but at the time, due to the fact that I am about 220 pounds and I used to drink frequently, this is about the point where I am starting to get a buzz. 

DUI with a blood alcohol of .20 BAC or greater – This is called a super extreme DUI.  There are more fines , longer jail terms and longer driving suspensions than for the extreme DUI.  Pretty much everyone at .20 or above is well on their way to being hammered. 

On to some of the stories. 

One guy tells us how he was going 119 miles an hour down 51^st Avenue when he saw the lights in his rearview mirror.  He said he immediately pulled over, got out of the car and walked over to the back door of the police cruiser, handed his keys to the cop and put his hands out to get cuffed so that he could be taken down to the station.  He was only at .07 BAC so he got 1 night in Tent City and just a regular DUI.  They dropped his wreckless driving charge when he pled guilty to the DUI. 

As I will get to later, I was going 35 mph in a 35 speed limit zone and I got 30 days in Tent City.  This maniac gets one day for going 119 miles an hour and I get 30 days because I can handle my liquor better than him?  I admit I was wrong to be driving and I have learned my lesson but surely this guy is more of menace on the streets than me. 

Tour Guide, whom you’ve met in previous posts, got a Super Extreme DUI with a .329 BAC.  The only reason he got a Super Extreme DUI, is because they didn’t have Super Duper Extreme DUIs on the books yet.  They might create a whole new tier and name it after him.  It’s really almost impossible to get that drunk.  Most people would pass out or actually die before they got to .329.  That’s a hall of fame batting average, not a BAC level.  I went to an online BAC calculator to find out what it takes to get to .329.  23 beers in four hours would put you at around .329 or you could do it quicker drinking shots or mixed drinks.  Whatever combination you use, you've got to be trying to get drunk to get to .329.

The most bizarre story was the guy that was sitting down just about to eat a burrito at Filibertos when 4 officers walked in and arrested him for a DUI.  Apparently a good citizen saw this guy weaving down the street and called 911. She gave them his license plate number and told them that he had pulled into a Filibertos.  They found his car in the parking lot.  He had the keys in his pocket.  Bang.  DUI.  You can actually get a DUI if your not in your car and its not running because they can test your BAC and retrograde it back to when you pulled in to Filibertos.

By the way, it doesn’t surprise me at all that a drunk guy was at Filibertos.  I’ve been to Filibertos near my house probably 10 times.  Haven’t been sober once, nor was anybody else in Filibertos sober during any of my visits.  I’m pretty sure that whole chain would shut down if it wasn’t for drunk people eating there.  In fact, the 911 operator was probably just going to blow off the good citizen that called in until she heard her say that the guy pulled into a Filibertos.  He must be drunk.

Another  strange scenario involved 5 college kids that pulled into a Circle K to, of course, get more booze on their way home from the bar.  They were being loud and obnoxious so apparently somebody got the cops there.  They weren’t in their car yet so the cop asked who was driving.  They all clammed up and didn’t say anything which sounds like a good strategy. 

He gave them all DUIs

Since they were all drunk, one of them had to have intent to drive.  Since they wouldn’t talk he nailed all of them.  It ended up that one of them took the hit so the others could get off.

My story isn’t quite as exciting as going 119 miles a hour down a residential street or having a burrito commandeered by some cop.

I was just watching Sunday Night Football.  The game got over and of course I decided to stay out for 2-3 more hours because it was Sunday after all.  I was playing golden tee with a friend and having a few Smidwick’s.  (For those of you unfamiliar with Golden Tee, its a video golf game).  In retrospect, the Smidwick’s should have been a sign that I had too much to drink.  I was pretty much a miller light kind of guy.  I would only drink “flavored beer” on rare occasions. 

Anyway, I have no idea how many I had.  I didn’t even feel buzzed.  That’s the problem when you go out and drink 3 or 4 times a week.  It gets to be normal feeling so you don’t really know when you’ve had a lot to drink which is why the only really safe policy to avoid a DUI is to just have nothing.  We wrapped up our game of Golden Tee around 11:00PM and decided to call it a night.  I got in my car and headed home. 

When I got onto the road I noticed that a cop started following me almost immediately so I was being extra careful.  Then they turned on their lights.  My first and only thought was, “I’m screwed.”

I pulled into a Best Buy parking lot.  Here’s a pro tip if you are planning to get a DUI.  If you pull over into a parking lot, they won’t tow your car.  This will save you some money so that your DUI will only cost you 5900.00 instead of 6000.00.  They did their field sobriety tests on me.  Even though I didn’t really feel drunk, I barely remember these tests so I’m guessing I didn’t do great.  I tried explaining to them that I just shot a 22 under on golden tee less than 5 minutes before but I don't think that they cared. 

Then they had me blow into the breathalyzer.  .176 BAC.  Whoops.  That sounds high.  I demand a recount. 

They don’t use breathalyzer’s as the final figure with which to convict you of a DUI because breathalyzers can be inaccurate due to a number of factors.  They use the breathalyzer for probable cause to cite you on the spot for DUI.  For trial purposes they take your blood. 

Well I was glad to hear that.  I know that I’m going to get a DUI at this point but I can try to just get a normal one instead of an extreme.  My blood report would not be available for several weeks after the arrest but I knew that the breathalyzer had to be wrong and it turns out that it was wrong.  My real BAC was .184.  Shit.

When I was pulled over, i was going 35 mph in a 35 mph zone.  I was pulled over for driving in my lane but not driving directly down the middle of my lane.   These are not my words.  These are the cop’s words that are on my ticket and in the police report. 

As anyone can see from the police report, at .184 BAC I’m driving pretty well.  Going the speed limit.  Staying in my lane.  Hell, at .184 BAC I’m still a better driver than anyone texting, all teenagers, Asians, and most senior citizens. 

Unfortunately for me this not-driving-directly-down-the-middle-of-your-lane infraction is a legitimate reason to pull someone over according to Arizona traffic laws.  If it was 11:00AM no one would ever get pulled over for this, but since it was after 11:00PM they pulled me over.  After 11:00 PM, if you pull over 10 cars on the road, more than half of the drivers will have been drinking.  And if those cars just pulled out of a bar, like mine did, then it’s probably 99/100.  It’s like shooting fish in a barrel for the cops.  They just need to find some reason, any reason to pull you over.  Once they do, if you’ve been drinking, you’re toast. They were camped out just down the street waiting for someone to leave the bar parking lot.  On this night, I happened to be that guy.

After the .176 breathalyzer and the field sobriety tests that I surely aced, they cuffed me and drove me over to a mobile processing station at a QuickTrip convenience store.  They took my mug shots, drew my blood, had me sign some papers, took my keys and got me a cab.

When I got home, my wife was still up.  She was really excited to hear the news.  I pointed out to her that in the past month and a half I’d taken cabs home from bars several times when I had had too much to drink.  To which she said, “That’s just great.  You’ve been so drunk that you’ve had to take cabs home several times in the past month.”

Ouch.  That was a solid counter punch.  I decided to just grab my pillow and go to the couch before she came up with any other really good points about what a dumbass I had been.

That was the last day that I drank anything and I still can’t believe my last beer was a Smidwick’s.  Not that there’s anything wrong with Smidwick’s, it’s just so out of character for me.  Anyway, that’s the beginning of my Tent City story. 

One thing I want to make clear is that I am not bitter about being pulled over and given a DUI.  I joke about Tent City and the DUI laws but I’m glad for it in many ways.  I’ve quit drinking.  My home life is better.  My work life is better.  I’m a better husband and father, I’m generally happier now than before I got arrested and I’m pretty sure my wife has quit interviewing divorce attorney’s.

I've still got a lot of material from Tent City. 

Next Post will be about the food and inmate ingenuity.