This post was originally going to be about being frisked and medical clearance but I've truncated part of that so that I can bring you the RULES AND REGULATIONS FOR INMATES.
As you may recall from the first post, it takes us awhile just to get in to the prison. Once they frisk us and check us for weapons, we line up and go inside the jail for the first time. They parade us into a small room where we line up against the wall. The room would comfortably accommodate maybe 30 people but we have 45 so some of us just sit on the floor wherever space is available. One by one, they call us up to hand in our medical/processing forms.
Amazingly, this process of handing in a form takes nearly 45 minutes. Finally my name gets called and I walk up to hand in my forms. On the counter is a stack of pamphlets titled Rules and Regulations for Inmates. I grab one and take it back to my seat on the floor.
On the first page of the pamphlet there are four sections:
Section One: Introduction
Section Two: Americans With Disabilities Act(ADA)
Section Three: Prison Rape Elimination Act of 2003
Section Four: WAIT A MINUTE! WHAT WAS THAT LAST SECTION????
Sure enough, in 2003 there was apparently enough prison rape going on that the Republicans and Democrats agreed that we needed to actually draft and approve a law that dealt with Prison Rape. My first thought is, “Wow, there must been a lot of people getting prison raped.” My second thought is, ”I’m glad it’s not 2002.”
According to this little section, the Maricopa County Sheriff’s Office (MCSO) has established a zero tolerance policy concerning prison rape.
This is good because that is the exact same tolerance that I personally have for being prison raped. It looks like the MCSO and I have reached some common ground on this particular topic.
I peruse further into the pamphlet and see that there is a disciplinary section that lists “Major Offences” by inmates and how they will be dealt with. There are 49 different major offences for which you can be sanctioned. They are listed in order of most severe to least severe and Prison Raping someone is 7th. I personally can’t think of 6 things inside or outside of a prison that would be worse than prison rape but apparently these 6 items are worse:
1) Killing – Okay, fair enough. Personally I’d rather be dead than get prison raped but I can at least see their argument
2) Assault on inmate – Just a regular assault? I’m absolutely certain that somebody hitting me with a chair is better than being prison raped. I’m going to mention this on my comment card when I check out.
3) Assault on an Employee – I can understand this one. The sheriff wants to protect his employees. I’m surprised that this one is less severe than assault on an inmate. Moving on.
4) Fighting – See item number 2. Getting into a fight gets you more sanctions than prison rape? Really?
5) Threatening – Lets see...would you rather have somebody say “Hey, I’m going to prison rape you” or have them actually do it? This one has to be much further down the list.
6) Extortion or Blackmail – I guess if it is extortion of one of their employees I could see this. What are you going to extort out of inmate anyway, his cigarettes.
7) Sexual Assault/Rape – So here it is. Number 7. I’m thinking in the 2011 reprint of the Rules and Regulations for Inmates this has to move up to at least number 3.
By the way, the actual sanctions for Sexual Assault/Rape are as follows:
15-30 Days Disciplinary Segregation. (We know this as solitary confinement)
Possible Permanent Removal from Work Status
Up to 30 days on the Alternative Meal Program
I have to look up this last one about the Alternative Meal Program. It turns out that the Alternative Meal Program is something called Nutra-Loaf. Nutra-Loaf meets USDA 2005 dietary guidelines blah blah blah. It sounds like that elfin bread that the hobbits ate in Lord of the Rings. Whatever it is, I don’t know if replacing the prison’s normal crappy food with some other crappy food is enough of a deterrent.
I can just see some guy getting cornered in the shower and saying, “Ahem… Umm… Bubba…Mr. Bubba…may I call you Bubba? I am compelled to tell you that if you prison rape me, you may be subject to the alternative meal plan.”
But I digress. Back to the business at hand, which is trying to get through processing.
After turning in my medical forms and sitting around for about another 45 minutes and thoroughly studying the Rules and Regulations for Inmates, my name gets called again. This time it is for a photo which will eventually end up on my ID card in Tent City. Where do I go to get my photo taken, you ask? At the same exact counter where I was 45 minutes ago to turn in my medical paperwork.
It is now about 10:45. It took an hour and forty-five minutes for 45 people to hand a form to somebody and get a mug shot taken, both of which could have apparently been done at the same time since they take place at the same location. I’m thinking if this was a privately run enterprise you could get everyone through in about a half hour. I don’t realize it at the time, but this is as good as it’s going to get for the next 24 hours, because next comes:
Phase 3: The Holding Cell
I am cracking up! At least you have not lost your sense of humor! Keep up the good work co-pilot! We are thinking of you.
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